Thursday, November 30, 2006

who knew

that my downfalls could be a (good) example for someone else. The pain I feel in my spirit over some of my past mistakes. Being able to articulate that ... actually having someone trust me enough to confide in me their relationship problems and ask for advice. That is truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I just don't want to lead her astray. But I can explain what sin does when you knowingly disobey God to pursue your own interests and wants. When you put His plans and desires behind your own. That pain still exists and I don't know if it will ever go away. And her priest has also told her about the cost, about how much you can lose. I don't know why she confides in me. But in a way I am glad. It makes me re-examine my life, and motives, and makes me face up to how real or hypocritical I may be at any time. We're human, we believe in the same God and know that He only plans good things for us. But we also want the comforts and to live life at our own pace. And in comfort. Definitely in comfort.

Maybe I mis-understood something, but every now and then, it's good to be honest. With yourself and with others

Friday, October 06, 2006

A promise to remember

Well, it's been quite a while since I actually sat down and read the Bible for more than a Bible study (like homework style) or to find a quick verse relating to a problem. This month and next I am trying to do a Survey of the Bible and some things spoke to me.

Today's reading was Exodus 1-5, but I read 6 too. And got a promise and a look into my response. Talk about a lightbulb moment. Ex. 6:6-7 reads

"I am the LORD. I will free you from your oppression and rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgement. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt.

Now this is a promise I can grab hold of. And here, I think has been my unwilling response. I struggle with grabbing onto and holding onto and beleiving the promises of God. I know that they are true, and have been proven, I just have a hard time accpeting them for myself. Does that make any sense? Probably not, but that's me. And here is a reflection of me. Ex. 6:9 reads "So Moses told the people what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery."

Discouraged. That spoke volumes to me. I have put myself in slavery to all sorts of sin, I know I can be self-destructive, and it's starting to affect my family. It has affected my family. But I don't know how to stop. Prayer doesn't seem to work as well as I would like it too. And I know some of that has to do with unconfessed and unrepentant sin. I acknowledge the sin, I just can't seem to take the next step. The shame, and I suppose some pride, and definitely a healthy dose of fear thrown in for good measure, keep from doing what is right. What is needed to get my heart back on the right path. I am discouraged. And my ears are stopped up. And my heart is almost as hard as Pharoah's. Maybe more so. I'm so confused ... But I have a new promise to hold onto, meditate on, claim as my own so that maybe, just maybe, I can get out of this mire and have some joy in the Lord again.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Recall Notice


The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed,
"Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.

The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is,
Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.

As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, The Holy Ghost.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Pray please

Today, Tim and I have been told at least 3x to pray for our marriage. Something we already knew, but the recurring theme of conversations is making it really hit home.

Yesterday, I wrote about how I know that I am doing something wrong and didn't want to stop. And this morning I talked to my mom and took care of some business. It maybe was cowardly to do it via email, but I would have bawled like a baby if I had to do it voice. Actually, if it had been personal in any way, I don't think I could have done it. Because it hurts. More than it should, but, isn't that the way it always is?

So, the other person involved is so much stronger than I am. I have been virtually excised. But that's a good thing. One of us needs to have a backbone, and it wasn't going to be me. I kept running back instead of facing reality. Now I have confession to make, and forgiveness to ask, and, honestly, for a proud person, that's hard. I want my actions to be justified. For the longest time I wanted to keep my options open, but doing that wouldn't allow me to focus on my marriage or give the something else a fair chance.

So, if you pray, pray hard for hearts and minds to be opened, trust to be restored, and healing for ALL parties involved. Because I really f*&^%#D up.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Francine Rivers / Married Life

I have been tearing through Francine Rivers' books in the last month. I first discovered her around 2001 when the Lineage of Grace series came out. I started with Tamar, then couldn't find the rest, or else life got in the way. I started reading those again last month and still have Mary to read, and I really want to do the studies. Especially on Ruth and Bathsheba. Right now I am at a place where I can totally, completely relate to Bathsheba and another character in Redeeming Love, named Sarah/Angel. The way Angel thinks and reacts to things is so much like me, though I thankfully was not put through the abuse she was. I did my own self-abuse and lately have been feeling self-destructive again, and can't figure out why. It's really hard to fight tendencies that are so internal. The most important part of the book for me though, was the end where Ms. Rivers gives her testimony. I needed to read that. I also want to come to the place where God speaks to me. I've been reading another book called Calvary Distinctives written by Pastor Chuck Smith. In chapter three there is some convicting stuff about the Holy Spirit that I haven't been able to get out of my head.

We also believe that the Holy Spirit provides the power in the life of the believer to give him victory over sin and over the flesh. We are taught to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. He that walks after the Spirit will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. The Holy Spirit is the power over the flesh life, giving us power over our fallen nature. He is the power in our life to conform us into the image of Jesus Christ. "But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." (II Corinthians 3:18). So we see the dynamic power of the Spirit in us which comes when we accept Jesus. He begins that work in us of transforming us into the image of Jesus Christ.
I'm missing the Holy Spirit in my life. That's depressing. We walk, and try, and get baptized, and yet, there is still something missing, or something that I am doing wrong. Well, right now I know exactly what I am doing wrong but can't seem to stop it. Frankly, I don't want to stop it. It gives me an odd sense of comfort. But before that, what was I doing wrong??? This is a trial I am failing miserably. Did I mention that we are studying James right now?

On another topic, slightly related, I am at a place in my marriage where I think I can see my mother's point of view and reasoning and things that may have led to my parents' divorce. When needs aren't being met, and communication scarce, you start looking for that elsewhere. And then the trouble starts. Luckily, Tim and I are able to talk, though I don't think eHarmony would have put us together :) I have to keep remembering that I prayed for a certain type of man. Tim fits that prayer to a T. However, I left out some things that are important to me now, but weren't when I wrote the prayer. Now I know that God answers our prayers usually with more than we could ever ask or imagine, so what's the deal here? WHAT am I missing? Can someone please tell me?

Enough for now. Joy is starting to get art supplies out.

If you have read this far, answer the random trivia of the day: What is Gus' full name? (from Cinderella)

Sunday, March 28, 2004

A Marriage Made in Heaven

1 Peter 3:1-7

Preface: The Bigger Picture of Marriage

- How does a Christian wife relate to an unbelieving husband ->specific focus of verses 1-6

Let's go back to the beginning: Gen 2:18-25 The purpose of marriage was invented by God. It is not a man-made idea. Marriage is ordained by God.

  1. For an intimate, satisfying relationship. God created marriage for us to have an intimate partner. Women were created to be an equal helper. Man needs a helpmate. Woman is comparable to man -- a counterpart, opposite and complimentary. The relationship is to be second only to your relationship with God. Sin has upset that intimacy.
    v.24 - a man's job is to pursue his mate

    Matt 19:6 what God has put together, let no man separate.

  2. To raise children who will love God. Deut 6:4-9, esp. v.7. Children are also God's idea. The family is the foundation of any nation.
  3. Your witness before the world. Marriage is intended to be a reflection of the love of God for us and to the world.

    Eph 5:31-33 -- our model is Christ's relationship with the church.

Both people in the marriage need to submit themselves fully to God. Then mutual submission (to each other). That relationship is what the children will see and desire in a good marriage.

Next week: Eph 5 and 1 Peter 3

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Sojourners and Pilgrims

1 Peter 2:11-25
Our relationship to the world and human government
v.9-12 - Our relationship to the world

  1. our citizenship has changed -- we are now set apart as people belonging to God (v.9,10).
  2. your citizenship is evident in your behavior. The change in our citizenship demands a change in our conduct. (v.11,12) -- People know where you are from by the way you act.
    --v.11 do not forsake your inheritance by living like the people of the world.

giving glory (glorifying) God is a RESPONSE to what He has already done for us. If you don't glorify God:
  1. what you do will glorify something or someone else.
  2. you are involved in behavior that wars against your soul.

v.13-17 - Our relationship with human government
  1. Don't use your citizenship/freedom as a cover-up for doing evil.
    --Christ has given us freedom from sin. We have been given the Holy Spirit to live after Spirit.
  2. being free is NOT an excuse to rebel against human government. We are to be witnesses.
  3. god ordained human government for a reason; to keep order, to punish evildoers, to commend those who do good (v.13,14).

Matt 5:13-16:

13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

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